If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
