Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
