guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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