I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
