Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
