failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
