I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
