do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
