Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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