The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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