I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
