Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
