some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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