Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
