Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
