Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
