I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
