I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
