I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
