i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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