Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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