remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
