Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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