He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
