I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
