Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
