so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
