Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Shame - the story of my life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
