i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
