even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
