he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
