The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
