So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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