i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
