Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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