Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
