I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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