I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
