true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
