im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He shit in the fireplace
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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