Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
