My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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