I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
