I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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