my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
