I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
