I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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