When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
