I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
