i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
