life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
