I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
