Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
