How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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