Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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