sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
