All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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